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How the British Armed Forces deal with snakes
Given that HM's Armed Forces continue to enjoy a Kipling-esque existence, they are now deployed in far flung climes where they face not only fearsome foe but also similarly unpleasant fauna, this is how the various branches, regiments & corps will react on confronting a snake …
Infantry
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them & quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment
Lands on & kills snake. (Should snake survive, it is invited to a 3 Para Mortar Platoon party, and the subsequent shame kills it in the morning).
Armour
Runs over snake, laughs & looks for more snakes.
Cavalry
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective which is to hold London against Roundheads at all costs
Royal Marine Commando
Gets naked, plays with snake. Gets drunk with snake. Eats snake
Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets & defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry & drowns.
Royal Artillery
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake & kills it. Mission declared successful & all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces
Makes contact with snake & ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake & starts winning its heart & mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".
Royal Army Medical Service
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Territorial Army
Kills snake by accident on weekend exercise. Keeps quiet about it.
University Officer Training Corps
Is not experienced enough to deal with snake. Waits until end of weekend exercise, takes snake to Students' Union bar, gets drunk, sleeps with snake's fat friend. Snake dies of embarrassment
Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake bite.
REME
Finds snake, teaches it health & safety, COSHH regs, then crushes it in PAC change. Snake dies
Royal Signals
Mutters a lot about snake's role in the J6 plan. Configures snake to pass high bandwidth satellite comms. Snake ends up cooked on front of satellite dish aimed in the vague direction of "over there". No-one notices snake death until Comd's VTC connection drops 2 minutes before start time. Urgent search for replacement snake ongoing.
Adjutant General
Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
Defence Logistics Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £10.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes & ration packs by 2010. Snake experts from Special Forces & Ghurkhas ignored. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott & retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their index-linked pensions. Snake meat launched in service messes to resounding the resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters & sells snake meat holdings to Indian & Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment & must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late & £3Bn pounds over budget, the project is scrapped & a COTS snake is bought from the USA for ££1Bn.
Whitehall Warrior
Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services & secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.
Royal Navy
Fires the entire UK's stock of Tomahawk missiles from its 4 remain ships.Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to Parliamentary Select Committee on how naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
Royal Air Force
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Spends £20Bn of Eurofrighter to counter snake threat. Loads air to air missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can't find snake so dumps missiles in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial & manicure.
British tabloid press
Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes
From the excellent: http://www.fmft.net/archives/cat_military.html
Given that HM's Armed Forces continue to enjoy a Kipling-esque existence, they are now deployed in far flung climes where they face not only fearsome foe but also similarly unpleasant fauna, this is how the various branches, regiments & corps will react on confronting a snake …
Infantry
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them & quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment
Lands on & kills snake. (Should snake survive, it is invited to a 3 Para Mortar Platoon party, and the subsequent shame kills it in the morning).
Armour
Runs over snake, laughs & looks for more snakes.
Cavalry
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective which is to hold London against Roundheads at all costs
Royal Marine Commando
Gets naked, plays with snake. Gets drunk with snake. Eats snake
Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets & defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry & drowns.
Royal Artillery
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake & kills it. Mission declared successful & all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces
Makes contact with snake & ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake & starts winning its heart & mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".
Royal Army Medical Service
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Territorial Army
Kills snake by accident on weekend exercise. Keeps quiet about it.
University Officer Training Corps
Is not experienced enough to deal with snake. Waits until end of weekend exercise, takes snake to Students' Union bar, gets drunk, sleeps with snake's fat friend. Snake dies of embarrassment
Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake bite.
REME
Finds snake, teaches it health & safety, COSHH regs, then crushes it in PAC change. Snake dies
Royal Signals
Mutters a lot about snake's role in the J6 plan. Configures snake to pass high bandwidth satellite comms. Snake ends up cooked on front of satellite dish aimed in the vague direction of "over there". No-one notices snake death until Comd's VTC connection drops 2 minutes before start time. Urgent search for replacement snake ongoing.
Adjutant General
Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
Defence Logistics Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £10.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes & ration packs by 2010. Snake experts from Special Forces & Ghurkhas ignored. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott & retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their index-linked pensions. Snake meat launched in service messes to resounding the resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters & sells snake meat holdings to Indian & Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment & must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late & £3Bn pounds over budget, the project is scrapped & a COTS snake is bought from the USA for ££1Bn.
Whitehall Warrior
Initially denies knowledge of snake, but subsequently admits that snake was acquired on advice of intelligence services & secret legal advice. Announces inquiry which will lead to prosecution of service personnel who handled snake, whilst exonerating government ministers.
Royal Navy
Fires the entire UK's stock of Tomahawk missiles from its 4 remain ships.Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to Parliamentary Select Committee on how naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
Royal Air Force
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Spends £20Bn of Eurofrighter to counter snake threat. Loads air to air missiles by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can't find snake so dumps missiles in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial & manicure.
British tabloid press
Invents lurid story about soldiers from 'elite' RLC laundry unit taking part in strange rituals involving snakes
From the excellent: http://www.fmft.net/archives/cat_military.html
